Welcome to the Kingdom of the Wetlands
Such a humid place
(such a humid place)
Such a soggy place
Plenty of drinks in the Kingdom of the Wetlands
Any time of year
(any time of year)
You can party here

Welcome to the Kingdom of the Wetlands
Such a humid place
(such a humid place)
Such a soggy place
They're livin' it up in the Kingdom of the Wetlands
What a friendly crew
(what a friendly crew)
Now I live here too

Next thing I remember
I was talking with some guy
I tried to think of what I would do if I had to say goodbye
"Relax" said my new friend
"Though your absence we will grieve,
You can join another Kingdom
But you never truly leave"

December 9, 1997, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

Blame it all on Amtgard
I showed up in garb
And ruined your SCA Faire
With my PVC sword
And my shield of cardboard
I was the last one
You'd want to be there
And I saw the surprise
And the scorn in your eyes
When I donned my terrycloth cloak
And I toasted you
Said "To your own Dream be true"
And laughed as you started to choke

*chorus*
'Cause I buy garb from cheap places
And I raid the dumpsters
Just to find traces of foam and pipe
So that I can fight
I don't buy stuff I can't afford
Just give me some scraps and I'll make a sword
And I buy garb from cheap places

*chorus*
'Cause I buy garb from cheap places
And I raid the dumpsters
Just to find traces of foam and pipe
So that I can fight
I don't buy stuff I can't afford
Just give me some scraps and I'll make a sword
And I buy garb from cheap places

January 18, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

You can ditch, you can fight, having the time of your life
See that guy, watch that scene, he is a bitchin' King...

Friday night and the town is slow
Looking out for a place to go
Where they party all night, getting in the swing
You come in to meet the King
Anybody could like that guy
His butt is cute and his smile is bright
With a bottle of cider, everything is fine
He's in the mood to ditch
And when you get the chance...

Chorus
Check out that bitchin' King, young and cute, only twenty-two
Bitchin' King, everyone wants to meet him, too
You can ditch, you can fight, having the time of your life
See that guy, what's his name? Sable Cacophony...

Chorus
Check out that bitchin' King, young and cute, only twenty-two
Bitchin' King, everyone wants to meet him, too
You can ditch, you can fight, having the time of your life
See that guy, what's his name? Sable Cacophony...
He is a bitchin' King....

January 20, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

Chorus
Woo-Hooh! (party in the Wetlands)
Woo-Hooh! (party in the Wetlands)
Celebrate their reign, Huzzah! (party in the Wetlands)
Celebrate their reign, Huzzah! (party in the Wetlands)

Come on now!
Non sugimus! Let's all celebrate and have a good time
Non sugimus! We're gonna celebrate and have a good time

It's time to crown the couple
It's up to them to rule our Duchy
Everyone assembled, now, "Huzzah!"

Chorus
Woo-Hooh! (party in the Wetlands)
Woo-Hooh! (party in the Wetlands)
Celebrate their reign, Huzzah! (party in the Wetlands)
Celebrate their reign, Huzzah! (party in the Wetlands)

Non sugimus! Let's all celebrate and have a good time
Non sugimus! We're gonna celebrate and have a good time

Chorus
Woo-Hooh! (party in the Wetlands)
Woo-Hooh! (party in the Wetlands)
Celebrate their reign, Huzzah! (party in the Wetlands)
Celebrate their reign, Huzzah! (party in the Wetlands)

January 21, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

Help! I need somebody
Help! Not just anybody
Help! You know I need someone. Help!

When I was younger, just a newbie in this Game
I never needed anybody's help in any way
But now those days are gone, I'm not so self-assured
There's this guy who kicks my ass when I fight sword & board

Help me if you can to kill Sir Bolt
I am sick of being speared upon his pole
Help me give my self-esteem a jolt
Won't you please, please help me

And now this Game has changed in oh so many ways
My chance of beating him has vanished in the haze
So I got back at him, did what I had to do
And so I slipped some Nair into his bottle of shampoo

Help me if you can to kill Sir Bolt
I am sick of being speared upon his pole
Help me give my self-esteem a jolt
Won't you please, please help me

When I was younger, just a newbie in this Game
I never needed anybody's help in any way
Bu now those days are gone, I'm not so self-assured
There's this guy who kicks my ass when I fight sword & board

Help me if you can to kill Sir Bolt
I am sick of being speared upon his pole
Help me give my self-esteem a jolt
Won't you please, please help me, help me, help me.... ohhhhhh

February 6, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

With a purposeful grimace and a curious sound
He pulls his Levi 501 blue jeans down

Wolf folk sitting around in a mass
Scream "My God!" as he shows his hairy ass

He moons everyone and he wiggles his butt
And proclaims himself to be the King of Smut

Oh no, his belch packs quite a punch, Admiral Asmund
On no, there goes Rachel's lunch, Admiral Asmund

Asmund has shown again and again
That alcohol brings out the nudist in men...

February 6, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

I shrug more shots
Then I get up again
I'm always gonna call it "light"

Ditching the night away
Ditching the night away

He shrugs the arm shot
He shrugs the leg shot
He shrugs the body shot
He shrugs the booty shot
He shrugs the shots that are thrown by the Corsairs
He shrugs the shots that are thrown by the Legionnaires

Oh, Rhino hide....
Rhino hide....
Rhino hide....

I shrug more shots
Then I get up again
I'm alwyas gonna call it "light"

Ditching the night away
Ditching the night away

He shrugs the arm shot
He shrugs the leg shot
He shrugs the body shot
He shrugs the booty shot
He shrugs the shots that are thrown by the Corsairs
He shrugs the shots that are thrown by the Legionnaires

Oh, Rhino hide....
Rhino hide....
Rhino hide....

I shrug more shots
Then I get up again
I'm always gonna call it "light"

We'll be bitching
When we're ditching
We'll be bitching

etc.

February 16, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

August 4, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

Sable

Good Vaargard, the people wait for you.

The populace and Rose are here for you.

Vaargard

Ah, gentlemen, you know why we are here.

We've not much time, and quite a problem here.

MOB (outside)

Margul Laesus!

Margul Laesus!

Rogan

Listen to that howling mob of blockheads in the street!

A trick or two with magic, and the Kingdom’s on its feet.

ALL (inside)

He is dangerous!

MOB (outside)

Margul... Demon King!

ALL (inside)

He is dangerous!

MOB (outside)

Tell us that you can do anything!

Damia

The King is in town right now to whip up some support

Lakus

A rabble rousing mission that I think we must abort.

ALL (inside)

He is dangerous!

MOB (outside)

Margul… Demon King!

ALL (inside)

He is dangerous!

Kwi

Look Vaargard, they're right outside our door!

Freya

Quick Vaargard, let’s beat them to the floor!

Vaargard

No wait!

We need a more permanent solution to our problem.

Topknot

What then to do about Margul, the Demon King?

Tyrannical, powermad King of the land.

Cross

His guards & his armies are led by dark magics

Vaargard

I can’t help but wonder what Margul has planned.

Eskana

We dare not leave him to his own devices.

His half-witted fans will get out of control.

Tinuviel

But how can we stop him? His power increases

By leaps every minute, he's top of the poll.

Vaargard

I see bad things arising.

The crowd crown him King; which the Rahbet would ban.

I see blood and destruction,

Our elimination because of one man.

Blood and destruction because of one man.

ALL (inside)

Because, because, because of one man.

Vaargard

Our elimination because of one man.

ALL (inside)

Because, because, because of one, 'cause of one, 'cause of one, 'cause of one man.

Denah

What then to do about this Margul mania?

Demonis

How do we deal with a Dictator King?

Sorsha

Where do we start with a man who is stronger

Than Drake was when Drake did his kidnapping thing?

Vaargard

Fools! You have no perception!

The stakes we are gambling are frighteningly high.

We must crush him completely,

So like Drake before him, this Margul must die.

For the sake of the Wetlands, this Margul must die.

ALL (inside)

Must die, must die, this Margul must die.

Vaargard

So like Drake before him, this Margul must die

ALL (inside)

Must die, must die, this Margul must, Margul must, Margul must die!

August 24, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

---

"Malorius"

By Sir Topknot
(parody of "Hosanna" from Jesus Christ Superstar)

(Crowd)
Hosanna Heysanna
Vaargard will be King
Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna
Hey Vaargard, Vaargard won't you smile at me?
Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Malorius

(The Enemy)
Tell the Roses to be quiet
We don't want to see a riot
This common crowd
Is much too loud
Tell the mob who sing your song
That they are fools and they are wrong
They are a curse
They should disperse

(Crowd)
Hosanna Heysanna
Vaargard will be King
Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna
Hey Vaargard, Vaargard you're alright by me
Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Malorius

(Vaargard)
Why waste your breath moaning at the crowd?
Nothing can be done to stop the shouting
If ev'ry tongue was still the noise would still continue
The rocks and stones themselves would start to sing:

(Crowd with Vaargard)
Hosanna Heysanna
Vaargard will be King
Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna
Hey Vaargard, Vaargard won't you fight for me?
Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Malorius

(Vaargard)
Give me your votes, but not for me alone.
Cast a vote for change that's overdue
There is not one of you who cannot help the Kingdom:
The hordes of fighting kids, the color, too

(Crowd with Vaargard)
Hosanna Heysanna
Vaargard will be King
Sanna Hey Sanna Ho Sanna
Hey Vaargard, Vaargard won't you fight for me?
Sanna Ho Sanna Hey Malorius

August 29, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

---

"Sewing Tips/Sewing Things - Mystifying!"

By Sir Topknot
(parody of "What's the Buzz/Strange Thing Mystifying" from Jesus Christ Superstar)

(Topknot & Granyte Spyre)
What's the trick? Tell me how to appliqué
(repeat)

(Anubis)
Why should you want to know?
Would you rather learn to fight me?
Don't you hear what I have said?
Save the sewing for the garbers.
Think about your swords instead.

(Topknot & Granyte Spyre)
What's the trick? Tell me how to appliqué
(repeat)

(Anubis)
I could show you threads and stitches.
I could give you cloth and patterns.
Even tell you how I do it...

(Topknot & Granyte Spyre)
When do I attain awards for garbing?
(repeat)

(Anubis)
Why should you want to know?
Why are you obsessed with garbing?
Using skills you don't possess?
If you knew the joy of fighting,
You'd throw away your sewing mess.

(Topknot & Granyte Spyre)
What's the trick? Tell me how to appliqué
(repeat)

(Tinuviel)
Let me show you how to sew a straight seam
(repeat)

(Topknot)
Tinuviel, ooh, that is nice!
While Anubis disses sewing,
"Oh my God, it's just too hard!"
You alone have tried to teach me
How to garb a proper bard.

(Topknot & Granyte Spyre)
What's the trick? Tell me how to appliqué
(repeat)

Sewing Things - Mystifying!

(Anubis)
It seems to me a strange thing, mystifying
That someone like you could waste their time on women of her kind.
Yes, I can understand that she can teach you,
But to let her show you how to sew is hardly in your line.

It's not that I object to her profession,
But you do not seem the type to want to sew all day
It doesn't mix well with the Captain Morgan's
You'll only mess up & then have to throw it all away.

(Topknot)
Who are you to criticize it?
Who are you to despise it?
Leave her, leave me, you can go now.
Leave her, leave me, let us sew now.
If your garb is great, then you can go home.
If your garb is not, then leave us alone.

I'm amazed that guys like you can be so shallow, thick and slow.
Sewing garb & making swords are part of the same art, don't you know?

(Granyte Spyre (save Anubis and Topknot))
Yes! She's right, so very right
Yes! She's right, so very right
We want to learn, too!
We want to learn, too!
(repeat)

(Topknot)
I applaud every one of you!

??, 1998, By Sir Topknot Grimwulff

---

"Eskana's Standing There"

By Sir Topknot
(parody of "I Saw Her Standing There" by the Beatles)

She was a scout dressed in green
You know what I mean?
And the way she fought was way beyond compare
Well how could I fight with another?
With Eskana standing there

Well, she looked at me, and I, I could see
That before too long I'd die beneath her sword
She wouldn't fight with another
Until she killed me standing there

Well, I lost my shield
When I crossed that field
And I felt her sword run through me...

Well, we ditched through the night
And I put up a fight
And before too long she'd killed me once again
Now I'll never fight with another
If Eskana's standing there

Well, I lost my shield
When I crossed that field
And I felt her sword run through me...

Well, we ditched through the night
And I put up a fight
And before too long she'd killed me once again
Now I'll never fight with another
If Eskana's standing there

December 3, 1998 by Sir Topknot Grimwulff

---

"Newbie Rhapsody"

By Sir Topknot
(parody of "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen)

Is this a ditch fight?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught up in roleplay
It's escape from reality.
Opened my eyes, I found lots of guys like me
I'm just a newbie, I need no sympathy,
Because I want to ditch, don't care where, at the park, at the Faire
Laughter from the mundanes doesn't really matter to me, to me.

Thank God, I've found this Game
Took a sword of PVC, made some garb, now look at me
My new life has just begun,
But work is trying to screw it up for me
Please, Boss, oooh, please don't make me work!
If I'm not back again this time next weekend
Something's wrong, something's wrong, got scheduled for a Sunday

Big quest, my time had come,
Sent shivers down my spine, all the glory could be mine.
Could have won a relic, instead I fell
Had to leave the field and wrap my injured knee
Amtgard, oooh, I sure love this game
I wonder where you've been for all my life
I see a big old silhouetto of a man,
"Are you part of a play? Do you work at the Ren Faire?"
Questions from the mundanes, always ask the same old things
(Do you fight here?)
"Yes, we fight here"
(Every Sunday?)
"Every Sunday, We are not part of a cult
It isn't so..."
"I'm just a newbie, nobody knows me."
He's just a newbie, doesn't know the game yet
Show him a life of fun & fantasy.
"If I sign a release, will you let me fight?"
Right on, kid! Yes, we'd love to see you fight
(See you fight!) Right on, kid! We'd love to see you fight
(See you fight!) Right on, kid! We'd love to see you fight
(See you fight!) Right on, kid! We'd love to see you fight
(See you fight!) Love to see you fight. (See you fight!) Ah.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
(I didn't mean to die so quickly.)
So it's off the field I go.
Nirvana's fine, I can grab a cigarette before ... they call ...
"Lay On"
So I think I belong here, I've found a new home
Feel so sad for the people who never will know
Oh, the freedom, of this live interaction
Just gotta give in, just gotta give into the fun

Here there are no limits to what you can achieve
Be whatever you want,
Be whatever you want to be
The Dream becomes what you are....

March 26, 1999 by Sir Topknot Grimwulff

---

"(Good Alcohol is Just A) Memory"

By Sir Topknot
(parody of "Memory" from "Cats")

Midnight, I forgot to buy whiskey
And the beer stores are closed now
I will have to make do

With this vile crap that Slyddur brought to Coronation
That he said that he would share

Mad dog! Who could possibly drink this?
It's my fault for forgetting
I should buy in advance
I remember I thought that I'd be drinking in style
Now I'm sponging off these kids

Every campsite seems to me to have no concept of flavour
Someone offers Everclear and Kool-Aid, I know I should decline it

Franzia! I don't think that I've had this
Since I was in high school
God, I must've been nuts
To assume that there'd be some folks with quality hooch
That they'd share with a needy soul

Captain Morgan's, Rumplemintz, seem a distant mem'ry
The night is young, I've got to choose my poison: another night of Cuervo

See here, it's not funny to tease me
While I'm drunk on tequila
When I'd rather have rum
Come tomorrow, you'll understand what quality is
When I make it to the store

August 15, 1999 by Sir Topknot Grimwulff

---

"You Don't Impress Me Much"

By Sir Topknot
(parody of "That Don't Impress Me Much" by Shania Twain)

I've known a few guys who thought they were pretty sharp
But you've got sluffin' shots down to an art
You think you're a Warlord, you make me wanna cry
You're a regular original, a rhino-hide
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're a stick jock
You don't impress me much
So you got the sword but haven't got the touch
Don't get me wrong, you may be a nice man
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of Clan
You don't impress me much

I never knew a guy who carried a spell list in his pocket
And a copy up his sleeve, just in case
And all those forty-pound spellballs in your pouch oughta do it
'Cause Heaven forbid you should win by fair play
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you're a spellcaster
You don't impress me much
So you got the words, but haven't got the touch
Now don't get me wrong, you may be a nice man
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of Clan
You don't impress me much

You're one of those guys who likes to sing at the bardics
You try to hog the whole show with your renditions of GWAR
I can't believe you sang in high school choir
C'mon fella, tell me, you must be joking, right?
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're special
Oh-oo-oh, you think you're something else

Okay, so you've got a guitar
You don't impress me much
So you know the notes but haven't got the touch
Don't get me wrong, you may be a nice man
But that won't keep me warm in the middle of Clan

You don't impress me much
You think you're smooth but haven't got the touch
Don't get me wrong, you may be a nice man
But that won't keep me warm on the long, cold nights at Clan
You don't impress me much

Okay, so what do you think? You're Scarhart or something?
Whatever…
You don't impress me…

??, 2000, by Sir Topknot Grimwulff

---

"Amtgard Paradise"

By Sir Topknot Grimwulff
(parody of "Amish Paradise" by 'Weird' Al Yankovic)
(parody of "Gangsta’s Paradise" by Coolio)

As I walk through the Kingdom where I carry my sword
I take a look at my life and realize I’m never bored
But that's just perfect for a gamer like me
Because I don’t have to be what I don’t wanna be

At Cloudcroft in the summer I’m drinking beer
Aramithris yells at Ivar and sheds a tear
And I’ve been playing this Game till I’m worn out
I can’t remember what they are fighting about

I’m a girl with a plan, I want a Serpent belt
Got a pattern in my hand and a drawer of felt
If I learn to sing like Cabal & sew like Elspeth
Then I might become a knight before I draw my last breath

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amtgard paradise
I've killed newbies once or twice
Living in an Amtgard paradise
We sell garb at discount price
Living in an Amtgard paradise
I just added another vice
Living in an Amtgard paradise

A warrior hit me with a Zulu spear
That our Champion ruled to be illegal last year
I went back onto the field to give him some hell
And that’s when I got caught in that stupid "Yield" spell

I ain't ever sluffed a verbal just so long as I heard it
I don’t fight with the Reeves and I don’t say, “I quit!”
I can’t afford armour but I got lots of smokes
And my Monarch agrees I can beat Forest’s jokes

If you come to Spring War, you are bound to freeze
And you’ll pitch your tent at Clan on a hill in the trees
But we’re not in a cult and we’re not SCA
And we’re not members of a costume play

There’s no TV and no VCR
It’s as primitive as can be
Unless you’re Father Thomas
Then you’re camping in luxury

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amtgard paradise
We're just geeks & gaming guys
Living in an Amtgard Paradise
There's always time for sin and vice
Living in an Amtgard Paradise
We all claim that we play nice
Living in an Amtgard Paradise

Sewin’ me a tabard, makin’ lots of chain mail
Think I’ll take a stab at learnin’ how to brew ale
Think that you outshine me?
Think that you’re the best?
Well, I know that you’re a tepid prole just like all the rest

I can’t count the times I’ve found myself by a fire
Sharing mem’ries of the past, about a noble Dame or Sire
Where are they now? Did they end their career
While sitting, waiting patiently for six-point-one to appear?

We been spending most our lives
Living in an Amtgard Paradise
Our weekends are always nice
Living in an Amtgard Paradise
Cool events to be precise
Living in an Amtgard Paradise
The most fun at any price
Living in an Amtgard Paradise

Ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh
ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahh-ahhhh!

March 19, 2001, by Sir Topknot Grimwulff