"The Complete Works of Snicker Furfoot, Esq."

Thank you for your interest in "The Somewhat Complete Works of Snicker." I'm sure you will agree with the critics when you read Snicker's renditions of these heartwarming songs - including this interpretation of a classic from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical, "The Sound of Music."

"(Amtgard is some of) My Favourite Things"

Music by Rodgers and Hammerstein
Lyrics by Snicker Furfoot, Esq.

(starts slow, whispery - preferably with weapons and spellballs available to point at.)

Foam padded weapons, spellballs with streamers,
Lovers and poets and fighters and dreamers,
Campfire bards and the songs that they sing,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Weekend events full of feasting and fighting,
Shopping with merchants, and watching a knighting,
Wardancer tournaments held in a ring,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Halflings and harpers in blue bardic sashes,
Dodging away from barbarian smashes,
Druids and Wizards and spells that they fling,
These are a few of my favourite things.

Dragons and werewolves and genies with wishes,
Giants and zombies and orcs who are viscious,
Little white bunnies with long nasty fangs*
These are a few of my favourite things.

*Make "fangy" motions with your fingers, and give that weird look for greatest humour emphasis

BONUS SONG!

That's right, for ordering early, before the Christmas rush, you'll receive the never before seen (or heard) Bonus track to the "Snicker's Sounds of Music" album:

"The Beginner's Guide to Drinking"

Music by Rodgers and Hammerstein
Lyrics by Snicker Furfoot, Esq.

(Note: This works best with props, in front of a particpating audience. In other words, the drunker they are, the better. At least I think so. I've never performed this song before. This came as a flash of inspiration, and was completed within 30 minutes after that - right after finishing the previous song. Go fig.)

[spoken in singsong:]
Let's start at the very beginning, a very good place to start...
When you read you begin with "A-B-C,"
When you drink you begin with "Beer-Wine-Mead" ("beer-wine-mead")
The first three drinks just happen to be, "Beer-Wine-Mead" ("beer-wine-mead")
Beer, Wine, Mead, Scotch, Rum, Gin, Rye

[spoken:]
...Oh let's make this a bit easier...

[sung:]
Beer is good and from a keg,
Wine, you get it from a box,
Mead is smooth and really sweet,
Scotch is best when on the rocks,
Gin, you mix it with some juice,
Rum, it fills you with good cheer,
Rye, it makes you really loose,
and that brings us back to beer...

(repeat ad infinitum, or until everyone is too drunk to sing. It may help to have people drink everytime they hear their own drink mentioned. This could become a fun party game
)

Snicker in no way condones the abuse of alcohol, nor does he intend to perform this anywhere near Silverwater. At least not without a really good bribe.

And if you act right now, you will also receive this rare cut - one of Snicker's few serious pieces:

"The Question"

By Snicker Furfoot, Esq.
As Talies Wanderbur

A young child at his father's knee,
Looked up to his Da, and said, "Why d'we be?"
His Da took thought for a bit ere he said,
"Ye live to be livin' and not to be dead."

"But, Da," he cried, "that canna be it."
His Da just said "Hush, and listen a bit.
"I've said what I meant and I meant what I've said,
"Ye live to be livin' and not to be dead."

The boy was not happy, he had to know why,
The sun rose each morning, and lit up the sky.
The grass liked the rain, and the birds liked to fly,
He couldn't be happy until he knew why.

The question it plagued him, it wouldn't let go.
So took he the question to the one who would know.
His grandfather, old, was a man most wise,
And many a vision had passed 'fore those eyes.

The wizened old man, the boy went to see,
And posed him the question, "Sir, why d'we be?"
His grandfather dyin', his last words he said,
"Ye live to be livin', boy, not to be dead."

The boy grew older, a-tryin' to learn,
The why of each rock, each tree and each fern.
Each person he met, he asked and they said,
"Ye live to be livin' and not to be dead."

Almost a man now, no beard on his chin,
He took him a wife to bring him some kin.
She told him the night that he took her to bed,
"Ye live to be livin, love, not to be dead."

Many a year, he tried to learn why,
Children were born, only to die.
Wars would be lost while battles were won,
He sought for the answer, there had to be one.

Many years later, he lived all alone,
His wife had passed on, his children were grown.
But once in a while, they'd visit and see,
And ask him the question, "Da, why d'we be?"

For all of his life, that question had burned.
And finally, now, the answer he'd learned.
He'd pause for a moment, then lift up his head.
"You live to be livin' and not to be dead."

That's right, you'll receive Snicker's tribute to musicals, his own original work, and even this unforgettable classic:

"Ten Green Gobbos"

parody of "Ten Green Bottles", traditional English Drinking Song
Most verses found on a Games Workshop tape entitled "Hungry Troll and the Gobbos"

By Snicker Furfoot, Esq.

Ten green gobbos, sitting in the mud
Ten green gobbos, sitting in the mud
And if one green gobbo should vanish with a *SHLUCK*
There'll be nine green gobbos sitting in the mud.

Nine green gobbos, looking for things to eat
Nine green gobbos, looking for things to eat
And if one green gobbo should suddenly fall asleep
There'll be eight green gobbos looking for things to eat.

Eight green gobbos, in a rubbish pile
Eight green gobbos, in a rubbish pile
And if one green gobbo turn and up his bile(*Huuagggh*)
There'll be seven green gobbos in a rubbish pile.

Seven green gobbos, eating coloured ants
Seven green gobbos, eating coloured ants
And if one green gobbo gets ants in his pants
There'll be six green gobbos eating coloured ants.

Six green gobbos, in a Troll's cave
Six green gobbos, in a Troll's cave
And if one green gobbo is not so very brave
There'll be five green gobbos in a Troll's cave.

Five green gobbos, playing with soggy leaves
Five green gobbos, playing with soggy leaves
And if one green gobbo should give a mighty sneeze
There'll be four green gobbos playing with soggy leaves.

Four green gobbos, stealing from their mum
Four green gobbos, stealing from their mum
And if one green gobbo, is not so very dumb
There'll be three green gobbos stealing from their mum.

Three green gobbos, playing on the hill
Three green gobbos, playing on the hill
And if one green gobbo should take a mighty spill
There'll be two green gobbos playing on the hill.

Two green gobbos, learning how to burp
Two green gobbos, learning how to burp
And if one green gobbo should eat the other one up
There'll be one green gobbo giving a mighty BUUUuuurrp!

And what collection would be complete without Snicker's tribute to titles?

"If Titles Were Freely Gained"

To the tune of "Ramblin' Rover" (Traditional)
Inspired by Baron Malthus Eriador

By Snicker Furfoot, Esq.

I've served two times as Consort,
Was Monarch, and I must report,
Wore crowns in many a Kingdom's court, sometimes I'd rather be dead.
I've earned two dozen Garbers,
Twelve Owls for making Armour,
I've been a mighty charmer, but no titles yet grace my head.

Oh I've been to many nations,
Attended coronations,
Suffered adoration from many a pretty lass,
I've done my due in Reeving,
Spent battlegames retrieving,
And finally, achieving, 6th level in every class.

And when the game has ended,
Though many I've befriended,
A thousand times commended, it's all well worth the wait.
My work will be rewarded,
The honours duly ordered,
I'll fin'lly be awarded, the noble title I rate.

Even the greatest songs of all time are brought to life by Snicker's magickal touch:

"Amtgardian Dream"

To the tune of "American Pie" (By Don McLean)

By Snicker Furfoot, Esq.
A long, long time ago
I can still remember how those battles used to make me smile
And I knew when I had my fun
That I could make those newbies run,
Just by pointin' and givin' an evil little smile.

But politickers made me shiver
With every rule that they'd deliver
Bad news for the classes
Outrage from the masses.

I can't remember if I cried
When I read the way Barbarians died;
But something touched me deep inside
The day the Dream died.

So
{Refrain}
Bye-bye, Amtgardian dream
They're bitchin' while they're ditchin'
Out next to the stream.
And them Claw Legionnaires who like to fight as a team
Shoutin' this'll be the day that you die
This'll be the day that you die

Did you write the book of Juggin'
And is that another shot you're shruggin'?
Believe me, you're not alone.
Do you believe in Peter Le Grue,
Like the Amtgard legends tell you to?
And can you tell my why he's not well known?

Well, I know you feel you love the game,
'Cause most the dreamers feel the same,
You oughta go back to school,
And stop re-writin' the rules!

The game was fine the way it was,
But now it's all a mess because
You had to go and make a fuss
You made the dream die!

We started singin'
{Refrain}

Now for fifteen years we've been playin' this game,
And no two Kingdoms play the same;
But that's not how it used to be.
When there was just the Kingdom one,
And we were all in it for fun,
And the joy that came from you and me.

And while the King was looking down,
A Kingdom formed in another town.
And the BOD started to fight,
'bout doin' what was right!

The players tried to take the field,
But the jugging teams refused to yield.
Do you recall what was revealed
The day the Dream died?

We were singing
{Refrain}

I met a girl who belly-danced,
And I asked her if she'd gimme a chance,
But she just smiled and shook her head.
I went up to Clan once more
Where we'd lived the Dream years before,
But a man there said the Dream was dead.

And on the field the Wizards screamed
The Fighters died, and the poets dreamed
But not a word was spoken
Their spirits all were broken.
And the three men I admire most
Raised their glasses in a toast,
They felt the loss more than most
The day the Dream died

And they were singing
{Refrain}

They were singing bye-bye, Amtgardian dream
They're bitchin' while they're ditchin'
Out next to the stream.
And them Claw Legionnaires who like to fight as a team
Shoutin' this'll be the day that you die
This'll be the day that you die

Supplies are so limited, we can only provide you a glimpse of this next popular number...

"Siren in Disguise"

To the tune of "Judy in Disguise (with Glasses)" (John Fred & His Playboy Band)
(A tribute to Allessandra - a real "Siren in Disguise")

By Snicker Furfoot, Esq.
Siren in disguise,
Yeah that's what you are.
Hear her cries,
She doesn't mean you no harm.
Lurin' the men out to her tonight,
Siren in diguise, she'll haunt you!
Keep on wearing your earplugs,
And look straight ahead...
You know she'll tempt you,
but you'll just end up dead!
Luring the men out to her tonight,
Siren in disguise, she'll haunt you!
"Come to me tonight,
"Come to me tonight,
"I show you everything is alright,
"Right after I give you a bite!"
Siren in disguise,
She's really after him.
She don't care none
If he sink or swim!
Lurin the men from all across the sea...
When you're dead you'll come and haunt me.

By special request, we've included the ultimate smak-talkin' song: Talkin' all da Smak!

"Talkin' all da Smak"

To the tune of "Puttin' on the Ritz" (By Irving Berlin)
By Snicker Furfoot, Esq.
If you're mad and you don't know how to get back why don't you go behind their backs.
Talkin' all da smak.
Different types who wear a day coat pants with stripes and cutaway coat - got no tact.
Talkin' all da smak.

"Didja hear the one about the Rogue who blew all his shots? It's okay - he swallows."

Tryin' hard to make themselves feel better
Talkin' 'nuff to make the Wetlands wetter, (Don't know better!)
Come let's mix where people go, fight with sticks or wear a longbow on their back
Talkin' all da smak

"A Corsair walks into a bar. He sloughed it."

Have you seen the King today,
Talkin' 'bout the way we play?
Or that Sword Knight over there
Swinging hard and hittin' air?
Head shots, and we're all sloughin'
Nut shots, so now we're cussin'
Why you gotta whine -
Every single time?!

If you're mad and you don't know how to get back why don't you go behind their backs.
Talkin' all da smak.
Different types who wear a day coat pants with stripes and cutaway coat - got no tact.
Talkin' all da smak.

"Two words: Baaaa Zppp!"

Tryin' hard to make themselves feel better
Talkin' 'nuff to make the Wetlands wetter, (Don't know better!)
Come let's mix where people go, fight with sticks or wear a longbow on their back
Talkin' all da smak

"Hey - here's 35 cents - go call a shot."

Tryin' hard to make themselves feel better
Talkin' 'nuff to make the Wetlands wetter, (Don't know better!)
If you're mad and you don't know how to get back why don't you go behind their backs?
Talkin' all da smak
Talkin' all da smak
Talkin' all da smak
Talkin' all da smak

"Why you gotta be like that?!"

You'll be awed, you'll be inspired, you'll be wondering if you'll ever go to a Wetlands event after hearing this:

"Wetlands Reservations"

To the tune of "Indian Reservation" by Paul Revere and the Raiders
(A tribute to Slyddur's Mobile Midreign)

By Snicker Furfoot, Esq.
They took the whole Wetlands nation
Kicked us off their reservation.
Took away our favourite site,
'Cause we were drunk and loud all night.
Took away our place to play
Bumped us for the YMCA
And when the mundanes started to bitch,
We picked up swords and started to ditch!

Wetlands people, we love to fight!
We ditch all day, and shout all night!

They took the whole Wetlands nation
Kicked us off their reservation
Though they kicked us off that night,
Down the road was a better site!

Wetlands people, we love to fight!
We ditch all day, and party all night!

But maybe someday when they learn
The Wetlands nation will return,
will return, will return,
will return, will return....

You can even witness his first foray into the land of political doom - Knight-smack:

"Tie a White Belt 'round my Waist if you Please."

To the tune of "Tie A Yellow Ribbon Round The Ole Oak Tree" by Irwin Levine and L. Russell Brown
(A reminder that we should all be humble)

By Snicker Furfoot, Esq.
I want my belt, I've done my time,
Now I've got to know what is and isn't mine
If you seen my titles telling you what I've achieved,
Then you'll know just what to do if you still believe,
If you still believe...

Tie a white belt 'round my waist if you please,
Its been three long years, you should really Knight me!
If I don't get a belt to wrap around my waist this week -
I'll be a real pain, and bitch and complain,
Dont' put the blame on me!
Just tie a white belt 'round my waist if you please.

Oh Squires please speak for me,
'cause I couldn't bear to say what I might say
I'm really just a Master but I know what I have earned,
A simple white belt is just the thing for which I've yearned,
I hope I don't get burned...

Tie a white belt 'round my waist if you please,
Its been three long years, you should really Knight me!
If I don't get a belt to wrap around my waist this week -
I'll be a real pain, and bitch and complain,
Dont' put the blame on me!
Just tie a white belt 'round my waist if you please.

Tie a white belt 'round my waist if you please,
Its been three long years, you should really Knight me!
Now the whole damn group is cheering and I can't believe I see
They've gone and given a second belt to that Knight instead of me!

So, don't delay - supplies are limited. Get in on this golden opportunity to own a piece of history. Get "The Somewhat Complete Works of Snicker Furfoot, Esq." today!
(Printers are standing by. Offer not valid in all 50 states. Void where prohibited. Contents may explode. Do not take with alcohol or other inhibition-reducing chemicals. All contents copyright 1999, 2000 Michael D. Lynch)

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