Bawdy Bits, Moose to Sheep
(Regretably, Aeruin's Refuge is no more. Until I find her again, I will host these files here.)
When I was a young lad I used to like girls,
I'd play with their corsets and fondle their curls.
'Till one day, she ran off with a Scotsman named Bruce,
Now you'd never get treated that way by a moose.
CHORUS
Moose, moose, I likes a moose,
I've never had anything quite like a moose.
I've had lots of lovers, my life has been loose,
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
Now when I'm in need of a very good lay,
I go to my closet and get me some hay.
I go to my window and spread it around.
'Cause moose always come when there's hay on the ground.
Gorillas are all right on Saturday night,
Lions and tigers, they puts up a fight.
But it's just not the same when you slam your caboose,
As the feeling you get when you humps with a moose.
I've done it with beasties with long flowing hair,
I'd do it with snakes if their fangs were not there.
I've done it with walrus, a monkey, and goose,
But it's just not the same when you screw with a moose.
I've tried many beasties on land or on sea
I've even tried hump-backs that humped back on me!
Sharks are quite good, tho they're hard to pull loose
But on dry land there is nothing quite like a moose.
Woodchucks are all right, except that they bite
And foxes and rabbits won't last throught the night!
Cows would be fun, but they're hard to seduce,
But you never need worry should you find a moose.
Step in my study, and trophies you'll find;
A black striped tiget and scruffy maned lion.
You'll know the elephant by his ivory tooth,
And the one that's a-winking, you know is the moose.
The lion succumbed to a thirty-ought-six,
Machine guns and tigers, I've proved do not mix.
The elephant fell by a bomb with a fuse,
But I won't tell a soul how I did in the moose.
I've found many women attracted to me.
A few of them have had me over for tea.
Some say that they love me when they're feeling loose,
But I'd trade the world's women for one lovely moose!
The good Lord made Adam, and then he made Eve.
Said He: "If you sin now, Ill ask you to leave."
They left not because of Eve's forbidden fruit,
But 'cause Adam decided the moose there were cute.
The English are said to like boars who've had corn.
The Celtics just dream of the young Unicorn.
The German's, it's said, just need leather and rope,
But give me a moose and I'll no longer mope.
Now I've broken the laws in this God-awful state.
They've put me in prison and locked up the gate.
They say that tomorrow I'll swing from a noose
But my last night I'll spend with a good sexy moose.
Next morning the Governor's word reached my ears,
"We've commuted your sentence to ninety nine years!"
"You won't get parole, not a five minute's truce,
And your friend goes to Sing-Sing, he's so big-a-moose!"
Now that I'm old and advanced in my years,
I look back on my life and shed me no tears.
As I sit in my chair with my glass of Mateuse,
Playing Hide-The-Salami with Melba the Moose.
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It was on the good ship Venus,
By Christ you should have seen us;
The figurehead was a whore in bed
Astride a rampant penis.
(Chorus)
Frigging in the rigging,
Frigging in the rigging
We're frigging in the rigging
'cos there's nothing else to do.
It was at the China Station
By way of celebration
We sunk a junk with jets of spunk
By mutual masturbation.
We sailed to the Canaries
To screw the local faeries;
We got the Syph in Tenerife
And the clap in Buenos Aires.
We sailed to the Bahamas
Where the girls all wear pajamas;
They wouldn't screw our motley crew -
They much preferred bananas.
The captains' name was Mugger,
A dirty-minded bugger;
He wasn't fit to shovel shit
From one deck to the other.
The first mate's name was Morgan,
A homosexual Gorgon;
Six men could ride with legs astride
Upon his sexual organ.
The second mate's name was Abel;
His arsehole bore this label:
I'll give the crew their daily due,
Though I'm no Betty Grable.
The third mate's name was Walter,
At love he'd never falter.
The bloody stiff had given syph
To all the girls in Malta.
The stoker was McGuire,
He really was a trier,
For though on shore he kept a whore,
On board he pulled his wire.
The stewards' name was Topper;
Boy, did he have a whopper!
Twice round the deck, once round his neck
And up his arse for a stopper.
The bosuns' name was Andy,
A bastard bald and randy;
They filled his bum with boiling rum
For pissing in the brandy.
But the bosuns' plan was prosperous,
He dipped his cock in phosphorous;
All through the night it kept alight
To guide us through the Bosporous.
The pursers name was Lester;
He was a hymen tester;
Through hymens' thick he'd shove his prick
And leave it there to fester.
That purser came from Wigan;
By God he had a big'un!
We bashed his cock with a lump of rock
For frigging in the rigging.
The fireman was McTavish
And young girls he did ravish;
His missing tool's in Istanbul,
He was a trifle lavish.
The carpenter Caruthers,
Beloved of all the others;
He wasn't quite a hermaphrodite,
But a mistake of his mothers.
The engineer McPherson
To snatch had an aversion,
So he stuck his cock up a water-cock,
A peculiar perversion!
The musicians' name was Carter;
He tuned his arse as a farter.
He could play anything from God Save The King
To Beethoven's' Moonlight Sonata.
The cooks' name was O'Malley,
He didn't dilly-dally;
He shot his bolt with such a jolt
He whitewashed half the galley.
The cook's offsider Riemann,
He was a filthy demon;
He served the crew with a filthy brew
Of foreskins boiled in semen.
A third cooks name was Aiken;
Each morning he'd awaken
To scrape the spunk from off his bunk
To fry the skippers bacon.
The trainee cook was Wooden,
By Christ he was a good'un;
He tossed off twice in a bag of rice
And called it sago puddin'.
The radio operator
He was a masturbator;
To get a jolt he'd shoot his bolt
Across the oscillator.
A stowaway named Tupper
We rubbed his balls with butter;
The charge whizzed past the mizzen mast
And foamed against the scupper.
The stewardess was Dinah.
She sprang a leak off China,
We had to pump poor Dinah's rump
To empty her vagina.
The cabin-boys' name was Nipper,
A dirty little flipper;
They filled his arse with broken glass
And circumcised the skipper.
The ladies of the nation
Arose an indignation
And stuffed his bum with chewing gum
A smart retaliation!
The captains' wife was Mabel,
Always willing and able,
Behind the door, or on the floor,
Or on the chart room table.
The captain had a daughter,
She fell into the water;
Ecstatic squeals revealed that eels
Had found her sexual quarter.
When we put into Calais.
The captains' daughter Sally
Dressed as a whore and rushed ashore
And won the Grand Prix Rally.
Another daughter Charlotte,
She was a filthy harlot.
Her thighs at night were lily-white,
But in the morning scarlet.
The ship's dog name was Rover,
The whole crew did him over;
They ground and ground that poor old hound
From Land's End round to Dover.
The ship's cats name was Kitty,
Her arse was black and shitty;
Her feline twat was kept red hot,
By a crew who knew no pity.
So now we end this serial
From sheer lack of raw material;
We wish you luck, whenever you fuck
From all disease Venereal.
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If all the young ladies were little white rabbits
I'd be a hare and I'd teach 'em bad habits
CHORUS
Roll your leg over, roll your leg over
Roll your leg over the man in the moon
If all the young ladies were bricks in a pile
I'd be a mason and lay them in style
If all the young laddies were cocks in the hay
I'd be a hen and I'd have a good lay
If all the young ladies were bats in a steeple
And I were a bat there'd be more bats than people
If all the young ladies were bells in a tower
And I were a clapper I'd bang every hour
If all the young laddies were fine silks and laces
And I were an iron I'd sit on their faces
If all the young ladies were doors of stout wood
And I were a knocker I'd bang 'em up good
If all the young ladies were stones in a mill
And I were some grain, between them I'd spill
If all the young laddies were coconuts sweet
I'd suck out their juices and chew on their meat
If all the young ladies were winds of the sea
I'd be a sail and I'd let them blow me
If all the young ladies were birds in their nests
I'd be an egg and lie under their breasts
If all the young laddies were merry go rounds
I'd mount up and we'd go up and down
If all the young ladies were locks on a gate
I'd be a key and insert and rotate
If all the young ladies were pure as they say
All the young men would be happy and gay
If all the young laddies were big wooden stairs
They'd go up mine and I'd go down theirs
If all the young ladies were bottles of brew
I'd pop their tops with my built in corkscrew
If all the young laddies were bottles of beer
I'd give good head and they'd be of good cheer
If all the young ladies were sweet fruits and berries
I'd munch on melons and nibble on cherries
If all the young ladies were singing this song
It would be twice as dirty and three times as long,
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Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm feelin' frisky mother,
Bring out the sheep, I'm so lonely tonight.
Bring out the sheets of rubber, bring out the peanut butter,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!
Chorus
Tall and in gallant shame, Scotland me mountain hame!
Tall may the heads of Englishmen wave!
Land of the hieland whiskey, Land of the Golfer's tee
Land of my heart, always, Scotland's Depraved!
Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm feelin' thirsty mother,
Bring out the sheep, I'm feeling horny tonight.
Bring out my younger brother, I'll have no other lover,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!
Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm soooo thirsty mother,
Bring out tha sheep, I'm feeling kinky tonight.
Bring me my little sister, LORD KNOWS I've *really* missed her,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!
Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm feelin' frisky mother,
Bring out tha prize ram I'm so horny tonight.
When I'm all done with humpin', then we'll all feast on mutton,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!
Bring out tha whiskey mother, Oh I'm so thirsty mother,
Bring out the CheezWhiz I'm so kinky tonight.
Lord knows I really wanna bring out tha Greased Iguana,
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!
Down in the fields of heather, bring out the whips of leather,
Whip me most soundly lassie and hear me rave!
Doon whar th' streams a'windin', bring out tha ropes fer bindin',
England's forever but Scotland's Depraved!
Hark, when tha night is fallin, Hear! Hear! tha Scotsmen farting,
Loudly and proudly fartin' doon through tha glens!
Doon whar tha shepherd's sleepin', Hear! Hear! the sheep a'bleatin',
'Fraid they're goin' to be raped by Hielander men!
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