Bawdy Bits, B to Moose
(Regretably, Aeruin's Refuge is no more. Until I find her again, I will host these files here.)
Oh the Ball, the Ball, the Ball of Kerriemur,
Where your wife an his wife were doin it on the floor...
'Twas on the first of August, the party, it began.
Now, never shall I forget, me lads, the gatherin' of the clans...
Singin--- Who hae ye lassie, Who hae ye noo?
Tha mon wha hae ye last nicht, He cannae hae ye noo.
'Twas the gatherin' o' the clans, and everyone was there,
A-playin wi' tha lassies, an' twinin curly hairs...
Four an twenty virgins, came down from Inverness
An when tha Ball were o'er there were four and twenty less...
John McGowan, the father, was very surprised to see
Four and twenty maidenheads a-hangin from the tree...
There were dancin' in the meadow, there was dancin in the ricks
An ye couldnae hear the bagpipes fer tha swishin o' tha pricks...
The bride was in the parlor, explainin to the groom,
"The vagina, not the rectum is the entrance to the womb..."
The Queen was in the parlor, eating bread an honey,
The King was in the parlormaid and she was in the money...
The parson's daughter, she was there a sittin way down front
A wreath of roses in her hair, and a carrot in her cunt...
And the parson's wife, she was there, her arse against the wall,
Shoutin to the laddie boys, " I'll take ye one and all"...
It's the first lady forward, and the second lady back,
And the third lady's finger in the second lady's crack...
The village butcher, he was there, a cleaver in his hand.
And everytime he turned around, he circumcised the band...
Now, all the ladies back, with your arses against the wall,
If ye cannae get fucked at Kerriemur, ye cannae get fucked at all!...
The village priest, oh, he was there and on the floor he sat,
Amusin himself by abusin himself and catchin it in his hat...
They was doin' in the kitchen, and doin' it on the stones.
Ya couldna' hear the music for the wheezin' and the groans...
The undertaker, he went there dressed in a long black shroud,
Swingin from the chandelier and pissin on the crowd...
The mayor's daughter she was there, and kept the crowd in fits,
By jumpin off the mantle piece and landin on her tits...
Singin--- Who hae ye lassie, Who hae ye noo?
Tha mon wha hae ye last nicht, He cannae hae ye noo.
There was screwin on the banister, an screwin on the stairs
You couldnae see the carpet for the mess of curly hairs...
The village idiot, he was there, he was a perfect fool
He sat beneath the old oak tree and whittled off his tool...
The village whore now she was there, a layin' on the floor
And every time she opened her legs the suction closed the door...
The village baker he was there, so drunk he began to scream
He grabbed the girls like great big tarts and pumped them full of cream...
The village potter he was there he made a dong of clay
He sat little girls upon the wheel and gave them all a lay...
The village rabbi he was there, treatin' a knife like a toy
He swung and swished and he took an inch off every man and boy...
The village acrobat he was there, a' screwin' on the stair
The bannister broke, he doubled his stroke and finished her off in midair...
The village hunter he was there, polishin' his gun with skill
Four girls were all barin' their asses, waitin' for the kill...
The village fool now he was there, he had an amazin' lack of wits
For every time a girl would pass, he'd just drool on her tits...
The village virgin she was there, the poor girl got a scare
But from under her dress she heard a voice "It's only my tongue up there!"...
The village swordsman he was there, he had a rod like a train
And when he rammed an ass they cried, "My god he impaled my brain"...
The village constable he was there, a-twirlin' his billy stick
Surprised were all the girls to find it was really a twelve inch prick...
The village maiden now she was there, a clingin' to her dress
Bein' chased by a hoard of horny priests, her sins they would confess...
The village nun she was there, great stains upon her habit
That was because she spent the night screwin' like a rabbit...
The village postman, he was there, the puir min had tha pox,
He could nae fuck the lassies, so he fucked the letter box...
The chimney sweep, yes he was there, but soon he got the boot,
For every time he farted, he filled the room with soot...
The groom was now excited, and racing through the halls,
Pullin on his pecker and a-showin off his balls...
Big John, the farmer, swore an oath, then cursed an spat,
For his forty acre corn field was completely fuckin flat...
And when the Ball was over, this opinion was expressed:
Although they liked the music, the screwin was the best...
Singin--- Who hae ye lassie, Who hae ye noo?
Tha mon wha hae ye last nicht, He cannae hae ye noo.
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Who's that knocking at my door? (x2)
Who's that knocking at my door? said the fair young maiden.
Open the door, you fuckin whore,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
Open the door, you fuckin whore,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
What if I won't let you in?(x2)
What if I won't let you in?said the fair young maiden.
I'll pick the lock with the tip of me cock,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
I'll pick the lock with the tip of me cock,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
Will you take me to the dance?(x2)
Will you take me to the dance? said the fair young maiden.
Screw the dance and drop your pants,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
Screw the dance and drop your pants,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
What if Ma and Pa find out? (x2)
What if Ma and Pa find out? said the fair young maiden.
I'll kill your Pa and fuck your Ma,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
I'll kill your Pa and fuck your Ma,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
What if we should have a girl?(x2)
What if we should have a girl? said the fair young maiden.
I'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
I'll dig a ditch and bury the bitch,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
What if we should have a boy? (x2)
What if we should have a boy? said the fair young maiden.
I'll take him to sea, so he can fuck like me,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
I'll take him to sea, so he can fuck like me,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor
What if we should go to jail? (x2)
What if we should go to jail? said the fair young maiden.
I'll knock down the walls with me swinging balls,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
I'll knock down the walls with my swinging balls,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
What if we should get the chair? (x2)
What if we should get the chair? said the fair young maiden.
I'll lay a fart and blow it apart,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
I'll lay a fart and blow it apart,
Said Barnacle Bill the Sailor.
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On the fourteenth of May, at the dawn of the day,
With me gun on my shoulder, to the woods I did stray,
In search of some game, if the weather proved fair,
To see could I get a shot at the bonny black hare.
Well I met a young girl, with the face of a rose.
And her skin was as fair as the lily that grows.
I says "Tell me, fair maiden, why ramble you so?
Can you tell me where the bonny black hare do go?"
And the answer she gave me, her answer was, "No,
But it's under me apron that they say it do go.
And if you'll not deceive me, I'll vow and declare,
That we'll both go together toward the bonny black hare."
Well, I lay this girl down, with her face to the sky,
And I pulls up me ramrod, and me bullets likewise.
I says, "Lock your legs 'round me and dig in with your heels,
For the closer we get, love, the better it feels."
Now the birds, they were singin', in the bushes and trees.
And the song that they sang is "She's easy to please!"
And I felt her heart quiver, and I knew what I'd done.
Says I, "Have you had enough, of me old sportin' gun?"
And the answer she gave me, her answer was, "Nay,
For it's not often young sportsmen like you come my way.
Now if your powder be willin', and your bullets fly fair,
Why don't you keep firin' at the bonny black hare?"
Now, me powder is wasted, me bullets all gone.
Me ramrod is limber, I cannot fire on.
But I'll be back in the mornin', and if you are still here,
We'll both go together, towards the bonny black hare.
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There's an infamous song goin' round 'bout a moose
It's really quite funny and quite full of juice,
But all of it's told from a masculine view,
And a lot of us women want to get a piece too.
Chorus:
Moose, moose, I want a moose
I've never had anything quite like a moose
I've had lots of lovers, my life has been loose.
But I've never had anything quite like a moose.
I figured it all out one day by myself.
When my man went off and left me on the shelf.
He'd found him a new love, a nubile moose-ess.
Which gave me a bad case of rampant distress.
"What's sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose."
Said I as I set out to find me a moose;
But I ran into problems that men do not mind,
For male moose are seasonal creatures you'll find.
I hunted in winter, I hunted in spring,
I hunted all summer and found not a thing;
But I found my moose when leaves started to fall
And.... oh brother! Did I have a ball!
With my arms round his barrel, my feet by his tail
I hanged and we banged and we really did flail,
Bouncing and jouncing I came with a roar
I never had had such a great lay before.
But autumn soon passed and so I said good-bye
I'll be here next year when autumn leaves start to fly;
Yes I will be here when the leaves start to fall
And I know for certain, we'll ball and we'll ball.
And so my dear sisters, I have to confess
Being screwed by a moose, it is really the best
But you'll make out with others for most of the year.
For male moose are seasonal creatures I fear.
A bear in the winter is furry and warm
And if you don't tickle, he'll do you no harm.
In spring try an eagle, his feathers are light
That is, if you are not afraid of great height.
In summer, I fear, you must make do with men.
But, not to worry, soon fall comes again.
Then you can return to your own faithful moose
And revel in simply scrumptious screws.
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