This song is one of those that I can't seem to get any definitive information on. Every time I find it, it's under a different title, or a different artist. I have found it, variously, as "The Ball of Kerrymuir," "Four and Twenty Virgins," "The Ball of Ballyknure," and "Gathering of the Clans." I have seen it listed as Traditional, and by various artists, even Jim Croce! (On his "Jim Croce Live: The Final Tour" album)

Suffice to say, one thing holds true through every incarnation: it's probably the bawdiest of the filk/folk genre, and is certainly not appropriate for younger listeners.

The version I have here is the most complete I've seen, and also appears to be more traditional, due to the spelling and grammar.

This can be sung in many different ways - this arrangement is by no means intended to be definitive.

The Ball of Kerrimuir


Oh the Ball, the Ball of Ballyknure.
Where your wife, and my wife, were doin' it on the floor!..

Four and twenty virgins went down to Inverness.
And when the Ball was over, there were four and twenty less!..

There was doin's on the porches, and doin's on the stones.
You couldna' hear the music for the loud and joyful moans!..

(CHORUS): Singin' balls to your partners,
Arse agin' th' wall!.
If y'canna' get laid at Kerrimuir*
You'll never get laid at all

(*You can substitute your favourite event for Kerrimuir)

(Alternate chorus) Wha' do ya, lassie?. and wha' do y'noo?.
I'm the man what did y'last, lass,.
I canna do y'noo!..

The Queen was in the parlour, eatin bread and honey.
The King was in the chambermaid, and she was in the money!..

The village idiot he was there, a-sittin' by the fire.
Attempting masturbation with an india-rubber tyre!..

Oh, the village postman he was there, but he had the Pox.
He couldna' do the ladies so he did the letter-box!..

The Queen of England she was there, backed against the wall.
"Put yer money on the table, boys, I'm going ta do you all!"..

The Count and Countess, they were there, a-doin' on the stair.
The bannister broke, and down they fell, they finished in mid-air!..

There was music in the garden, there was music in the sticks.
You couldna' hear the music for the swishin' o' the pricks!..

They were doin' it on the landing, they were doin' it on the stairs.
You couldna' see the carpet for the wealth of pubic hairs!..

The Board of Directors they were there, they were shocked to see.
Four-and-twenty maidenheads a-hangin' from a tree!..

John the Blacksmith he was there, he wouldna play the game.
He did a lassie seven times, but wouldna see her hame!..

The village Constable he was there, now whattya think o'that?.
Amusin' himself by abusin' himself, and catchin' it in his hat.....

The village pervert he was there, scratchin' at his crotch.
But no one minded him at all, he was only there to watch!..

The village cripple he was there, but he didna shag too much.
His old John Thomas had fallen off, so he did 'em with his crutch!..

It started out so simple-like: each lad and lassie mated.
But pretty soon the doin's got so bloody complicated!..

Four and twenty virgins came down from Cuinimore.
Only two got back again, and they were double-bore!..

The village chimney-sweep was there, a really filthy brute.
For every time he farted, he covered 'em all with soot!..

The local Cavaliers were there, in elegance they sat.
A-doin' Things Unusual with the feathers in their hat!..

The village carpenter he was there, with his prick of wood.
He made it when he lost his own, and it worked just as good!..
The old fishmonger he was there, a dirty stinkin sod.
He never got a rise that night, so he diddled 'em with a cod!..

(insert name) he was there, covered up with smiles.
Doin' thirty-two at once, and in amazing style!..

(insert name) she was there, covered all in sweat,.
Takin' on all comers, and she hasn't finished yet!..

And in the morning, early, the Farmer nearly shat.
For four and twenty acres was nearly fuckit flat!..

And when the Ball was over, everyone confessed.
The music it was wonderful, but the "doin's" were the best!..

The Minister's wife, she was there, buckled tae th' front.
Wi' a wreath of roses round her arse, and thistles round her cunt!..

The Minister's dochter, she was there, an' she gat roarin' fu'.
Sae they doubled her ower the midden wa' and did her like a coo!..

The undertaker he was there, in a long black shroud.
Swinging from the chandelier, and pissing on the crowd!..

The sheriff's dochter she was there, and kept us all in fits
By jumping off the mantlepiece, and bouncing on her tits!..

The village cooper he was there; he had a mighty tool!.
He pulled his foreskin over his head, and yodeled thru the hole!..

The local vicar, he was there, his collar back to front.
He said, "My girl, thy sins are blessed!" and shoved it up her
cunt.


The local surgeon, he was there, with his knife in hand,.
And every time he turned around, he circumsized a man!..

The village idiot he was there, up to his favorite trick:.
Bouncin' on his testicles and whistlin' thru his prick!..

The village fireman was there, quenchin' lassie's fires.
He diddled 'em in the firetruck, right beside the tires!.

(insert name) was also there, standing back-to-front,.
With thirteen inches of candlestick inserted in her cunt!..

The village nympho, she was there, wi' a happy grin.
Every hole was stuffit fu', and she was fu' o' quim!..

The village glazier he was there, with his prick of glass.
He diddled 'em in their cunnys, and also in the ass!..

There was doin's in the bedrooms, there was doin's in the tub.
'Till every single pecker there was worn down to a nub!..

The bride was in the bedroom, explainin' to the groom:.
The vagina, not the rectum, is the entrance to the womb! ..

The King was in the counting house, counting out his wealth;.
The Queen was in the parlor, playin' with herself!..

The Elder Statesmen all were there; they were too old to firk,.
So they sat around the table and they had a circle-jerk!..

(insert name) was excited and racin' round the hall.
A-pullin' on his pecker and showin' off his balls!..
(insert name) he was there; he played a wily game:.
He did his lassie fourteen times before he finally came

(insert name) he was there, his balls was made of brass.
And when he blew a fart, m'lads, sparks flew out his ass! ..

The tailor was a busy man; his work went to his head.
Sewing up the stretched-out cunts with miles and miles of thread!..

(insert name) he was there, up to his old trick:.
Dancin' naked 'round the room, pirouettin' on his prick!..

(insert name) he was there, but he wouldna' dance,.
Just sat there with his ten-inch rise, a-waitin' for his chance!..

(insert name) he was there; he was the perfect fool:.
He sat beneath the old oak tree, and whittled off his tool!..

(insert name) he was there, up from Dungaree.
With a yard-and-a-half of Glory, that hung below his knee!..(80)

The Queen, she had a chicken, the King he had a duck,.
So they put them on the table to see if they would fight!..
The cows were wearin' bridles, the horses wearin' bits.
The Queen she wore two harness-rings thru the nipples of her tits!..

(insert name) he was there, grinnin' at the Queen.
He'd built himself a dildo, and powered it by steam!..

(insert name) he was there, that rowdy rantin' bloke.
Masturbatin' all by himself with a backhand double stroke!

The Royal Fool was also there, sittin' in the hall,.
Tryin' to do a mongoose with an india-rubber ball!..

(insert name) he was there, that egocentric elf,.
The ladies were na' guid enough, so he went and fucked himself! .

(insert name) she was there, and she was very strange:.
You stick a dollar in her cunt, she'd spit back 10 cents change!.

(insert name) he was there, but he was fast asleep.
The ladies wouldna have him, and we'd run clean out of sheep!.

(insert name) she was there, lookin' woebegone,.
'Cause when you spread her legs, me boys, a little light comes on!..


(Alternate CHORUS): Singin' who hae ye, lassie?.
Who hae ye noo?.
The ane that had ye last time.
He canna hae ye noo!..

They tried it on the garden path, and once around the park,
And when the candles snotted out, they diddled in the dark!..(90)

First they did it simple, then they tried it he's and she's,.
But before the ball was over, they went at it fives and threes!..

The groom was in the corner, oiling up his tool,.
The bride was in the icebox, her private parts to cool!..

(insert name) (s)he was there, backed against the wall,.
(s)he didn't want the doin's, just a lot of alcohol!..

First lady over, second lady front,.
Third lady's finger up the fourth lady's cunt!..

Fifth lady worn and dry, sixth lady passed,.
Seventh lady's finger up the eighth lady's ass!..

Ninth lady forward, tenth lady back,.
Eleventh lady's finger in the twelfth lady's crack!..

(insert name) he was there, givin' happy sighs!.
His rise had used up so much skin he couldna close his eyes!.

(insert name), that randy wench, she was also there,.
And thirty men were suckit dry before she stopped for air!..
(name) and (name) they were there, havin' themselves a ball,.
She hiccuped as he took her, and she swallowed him, shoes and all!..


Santa Claus was also there, and very drunk, I fear,.
You'd be drunk there with him if you came just once a year!.

(insert name) he was there, and he was smooth and slick,.
Tallyin' up his score that night by notches on his prick!..

The village dwarf was also there, that randy little runt,.
He'd dive upon a lassie, headfirst in her cunt!..

(insert name) she was there, the fattest of the lot,
So they rolled her up in flour, and looked for the wettest spot!.

(insert name) was also there, (s)he was a sight to see,.
They bent him (her) o'er the table, and the rest was Greek to me!..

James the First and Sixth was there, a sight you should have seen,
He was the King of England but preferred to be the Queen!.

(insert name) he was there, but he was runnin' late,.
Askin' round from man to man just how to copulate!..

(insert name) was also there, but he was fast asleep,.
Cuddled up, with a happy grin, beside his rubber sheep!..

The (insert name) all were there, that's what I presume,.
They buggered themselves into a chain, and danced around the room!..

(insert name) she was there, and she was wondrous wise,.
With "USDA Grade A Choice", tattooed on her thighs!..

(insert name) was also there, doin' his famous stunt:.
Braidin' all the pubic hair on every single cunt!..

Anne Bolyn was also there, even tho she's dead,.
She's terrific on her back, me boys, but better giving head!
Cyrano de Bergerac, dressed in fancy clothes,.
He wouldna use his pecker, lads, he did 'em with his nose!..

Pinocchio was also there, and quite a sight to see,.
The ladies sat upon his face and shouted "Lie to me!"..

Cyrano de Bergerac diddled, with a poem,.
And ended his refrain with the words: "Thrust home!"..

(insert name) was sitting there, filled up with remorse,.
He'd got a little drunk that night, and did his lady's horse!..

(insert name) was also there, with his brand-new bride,.
But when he opened up her legs, his pet canary died!..(130)

(insert name) he was there, he canna see at all,.
So he satisfied his urgin's at a knothole in the wall!..


Everybody heard about the Ball of Ballyknure,.
With four-and-twenty Countesses, a-fuckin' on the floor!..

The King of (insert name), worked up a head of steam,.
And all the Duchesses in sight yelled out "God save the Queen!"..

Good old (insert name) he was there, takin' up the slack,.
Separatin' the men from boys with a chromium bumper jack!..

(insert name) was also there, and he is Very Pure;.
We think he has a pecker, lads, though no one's very sure!..

All the lads and lasses there were mated, ones-and-twos,.
Except for good old (insert name) who came inside his shoes!..


(insert name), she was there, a lady quite perverse;.
She'd worn out all the peckers so she went from bed to wurst!..


(Insert name) he was there, all filled up with lust,.
He'd had so many lassies that his pecker just shot dust!..



There was doin's in the hallway, doin's on the stairs,.
It was the biggest doin' there had been for years and years!..

There was doin's in the roses, in the grass and in the rocks,.
When (insert name) caught his -sporran- in some giant
hollyhocks!

It looked sae funny hangin' there, that everybody jeered,.
They'd never seen a hollyhock that ever wore a beard......!..

Guid old Jock McNorris took his partner by the arm,.
And grinned, and said "Another "do" won't do us any harm!"..

They were doin' it in the garden, They were doin' it all around,.
There were folks a-doin' on every inch of ground!..
(insert name) he was there, sittin' on his tush,.
He never made it to the point, just "beat around the bush...!"..


The village magician he was there, doin' his vanishin' trick:.
He pulled his foreskin over his head, and vanished in his prick!

There were doin's in the gravel, there were doin's in the stones.
You couldna' hear the music for the wheezin' and the groans!..

There was doin's on the sofa, there was doin's in the chair,.
And when they found the trampoline, there was doin's in the air!..

Soon all the Duchesses began to sing this song.
And it was twice as dirty, and fourteen times as long!..

The village blacksmith he was there, but he was not for hire:.
He was making giant rubbers out of a tractor tire!.

The village baker he was there, and looking pretty mean; .
A-shouting that the girls were tarts, and pumping them full of cream!..

The village blacksmith he was there, his balls were made of brass,.
And every time he laid a girl the sparks flew out his ass!..

The village hooker she was there, a-lying on the floor,.
And every time she ope'd her legs, the suction closed the door! ..

Little Johnny he was there, but he was only eight;.
He couldn't go join in the fun, he had to masturbate! ..

The blacksmith's wife she was there, a-sitting by the fire,.
Performin' abortions by the hour with a piece of red hot wire!..

(Insert name), she was there, that wicked little slut!.
Performin' things unspeakable wi' a North Sea halibut!..

(Insert name), he was there, but he had run amuck.
He diddled geese and chickens and a passing Mallard duck!..
"What the hell's a 'sporran'?" the lassie loudly begged;.
She was answered: "It's the hairy thing between a Scotsman's legs!"..

(Insert Irish name) he was there, doin' dogs and such,.
You can always tell an Irishman, but y'canna tell him much!..

(Insert name) was also there, he is an awful churl.
He poked a hole into the ground, and diddled the whole world!..

(Insert name) was at the Ball, he's really quite bizarre,.
We locked him in the closet while he diddled his guitar!..

The village policeman he was there, the pride of all the force.
They found him in the stable, whacking off his horse!..

There were doin's in the parlor, there was doin's in the grass.
And all that you could see were waves of undulating ass!..

(Insert name) he was there, and he was long and high,.
But when he did her forty times, he was doin' mighty dry!..

ALTERNATE CHORUS

Singing- wha'll dae it this time?
Wha'll dae it noo?
The yin that did it last time
Cannae dae it noo.


There was fuckin' in the courtyard, fuckin'in the halls,
Ye couldna hear the music for the janglin'of the balls.

Mr. MacFudge the parson, he went among the weemen,
He took puir Nellie on his knee, an' filled her full o'semen.

Puir wee wee Nellie she found out, to her great consternation,
That she by some strange means or ither, was increasing his congregation.

The doctor's wife, oh she was there, she wasna very weel,
For she had to make her water, in the midst of ev'ry reel.

The butcher's wife, oh, she was there, she also wasna weel,
For she had to go and piddle, after ev'ry little feel.

Jock MacGregor, he was there, all in a new Ford truck
They asked him if he'd have a dram but he said he'd rather fuck.

The Elders of the Kirk were there, and they were shocked to see,
Four and twenty maidenheads, all hangin' from a tree.

Four and twenty virgins, a-sittin'in a row,
Pullin' on their pubic hairs, an' passin' round the po.

The minister's daughter she was there, all draped up to the front,
Wi' roses round her cute wee arse, but thistles up her cunt.

There was fuckin'in the hay mow, fuckin'in the ricks,
Y' couldna hear the music, for the swishin'of the pricks.

Four an' twenty dairymaids, lyin' oot, all bare,
You couldna see the daisies, for the cunts an' curly hair.

The Church Precentor he was there, he came in trews of tartan,
They didna like the colour, for they said 'twas done by fartin'

The village bobby he was here, he'd put on fancy socks,
He fucked a lassie forty times, an 'found she had the pox.

The teacher from the school was there she did'na bring her stick,
She wasna much to look at but she sure could take the prick

The parson's mistress she was there, swingin' from the chandelier,
An' droppin' menstrual juices, into ev'rybody's beer.

The villaye grocer he was there, he had a muckle stand,
He couldna yet a woman, so he worked it off by hand.

The village cripple he was there, he wasna up to much,
He couldna get a stand on, so he shagged'em wi' his crutch
The movie star, oh she was there, and thoght it quite a farce
To lie down on her stomach, and to take it up her arse

The Canada sodger he was there, he made the people stare,
For when he took his troosers down, he looked just like a bear.

We've said the ba' was over, it really is the end,
When ev'rybody is bone dry, An' has no more to spend.